My First

“They say that when a writer falls in love with you, you can never die. Your love will be explained more vividly than you could ever imagine. You will always exist, and your name will forever be etched into paper. You will always be frozen in time.”

I have never found words to be more true.

It comes and goes in waves like the ocean.

Maybe its the full moon tonight.

At such a young age I knew I loved him in a different kind of way. It baffles me to think I still cry about it now and then. It more than baffles me, it destroys me to know that for the rest of my life he will be a topic of discussion. He will always be my first, the high school love, first high I will always chase.

When my daughter falls in love for the first time, he will be my example…and when that boy breaks her heart, he will still be my example. 10 years down the road when I see the little sparkle in her eyes dim when someone mentions him, he will once again be my story to tell. For the rest of my life he will be the backbone of love as I know it, in its purest form.

My mind runs wild and I wonder if he loved me the same. I wonder if he remembers the nights he confessed his feelings to me.

2009. At the fresh age of only twelve my view of love would be tainted. My mind was so innocent and my body so virgin. Free of tattoos, piercings, and the lingering feelings of his hands on my skin. My heart still whole. The first moment I saw him sitting in that classroom, my surroundings went blank, my hearing silent and I had tunnel vision straight to him. I guess this is what they call love at first sight?

Over the next two years I fell harder and harder for him everyday. We became best friends. We knew just about everything about eachother, from the blue dot on his nose to the mole on my back. Here is where the cycle begins. We fought, I cant even remember about what, and it lasted about a year. I ended up transferring schools to be away from him, we had just finished 9th grade and I wanted to try out public school anyways. I lose my virginity to some other guy, and eventually him and I find our way back to eachother. We picked up where we left off, we’d see eachother often, talk everyday. FWB was now in full swing, no thanks to my great idea that if I did this I’d at least get to see him more.

Que the on and off a few more times, throw in more nights of ugly crying and deminishing my self worth to satisfy him and feel wanted. 2014, and I finally meet number two. Of course as the universe has always worked her magic, he decides to pop back into my life. I try to make it work while still dating number two, but things get messy and the truth comes out. 2016 and things are rocky, I need my best friend.

It’s 2017, I have never enjoyed watching him grow so much as a person, and to see him so happy and sober. His company was so relieving, and he always kept a smile on my face. For what seemed to be the worst time of your life, he was my sanity.

The more time I spent with him, the more I realized I didn’t want to be with him romantically anymore, but I wanted him to be my friend for the rest of my life. He is my person.

It’s 2018, and my person is a little lost right now, but he will find his way.

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