The Scare

I want to write as organically as I can, and post as things happen. One day I will be able to look back and see where my mind was.

A few years ago a psychic told me this is my reincarnation into this life solely for love. That in my current lifetime I will find a love so pure. I’m beginning to wonder who this love is for. A man, myself, an unborn child, a child I did not bare?

If you’ve been following you’ll know I’ve had a hell of a time the past few weeks.

My results were finally in from my doctor trip this past week. I knew I had been feeling an abnormal pain, something I’ve never felt. Well as my gut is usually right, my pap results came back abnormal for cell growth. Now me being the worrisome woman I am, I immediately spaced. I choked back the tears as the first thing that ran through my mind was “dear god I have cancer.” I let the doctor talk about a laparoscopy and colposcopy and that he doesn’t want to worry but to rule out cancerous/ pre-cancerous growth I’d need a procedure. Blah blah blah. I can’t really focus anymore. Naturally I was a mess when I came home, I called my Dad a crying disaster fearing that my life has ended. A million things running theough my mind, and quite honestly still are. Is this cancer? Will I need a hysterectomy? Will I be able to experience carrying my own child? Am I going to die? Am I going to need surgery? What if the anesthesia doesn’t work and I wake up mid surgery?

The last few days since I got the news have been a blur. I am scared. I don’t know anything and really shouldn’t be as worried as I am but I am scared. I am scared of what I will find out. I am scared of having surgery. I am so scared.

My dad has eased my nerves as he has done copious amounts of research through the National Cancer Institute, and I rest easy knowing when my dad does research, he finds out EVERYTHING. Even with eased nerves, there’s still the fact that I don’t know anything, and I hate not knowing.

Through this time I have felt alone. I have learned to see myself as someone who doesn’t need a boyfriend the past few years, someone who prefers to be alone. I have felt the most alone I have ever felt the past few days. Coming home to an empty bed, no one to talk to. (Mostly because I don’t want to unnecessarily scare anyone.)

The girl who has felt empowered by being single and alone is feeling alone. I want a man to come home to, to cry on, to vent to. I want to be held and loved. I want to be able to fall apart a little and know I will have someone. I want to give the love I have to give to someone.

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